Life as A Convict

Hey guys, how-di-do, how’s your life been? I don’t want to hear any of it though. Miss me?  Well to be honest I’ve just been lazy to type and all, and its not easy going round with Rihanna to launch River Island stores around, then come back and satisfy Meagan and later go over to Ciara’s where she uses my body as her party. Trust me; my life is not a tad easy.

As I’ve been saying in my former posts, I’ve been working on a new semi-fictional series and all, and the thought hit me that this blog is for you all and it would be great if you all could get your own experiences on here, I am quite sure you love reading about my misfortunes and all but why don’t we read yours? So if you have any stories, experiences etc that you want to share, kindly mail me at . You can decide to be anonymous or not in the post, depends on you. So I’ll be expecting those mails oh.

 Y’all know my life in secondary school wasn’t bliss to start with, it was hell, if you don’t understand what I’m saying, just read all this

To be honest, Secondary school was fun, had its ups and downs but the downs far far outnumbered the ups , and sharing the ups with you guys ain’t no fun , although beating juniors was fun as hell; their resounding cries fuelling the desire to beat and punish them even more but that’s not what I’m about today.

It was a typical Saturday night when I was in SS1, and people were at the hall “watching” movies which nearly the whole school couldn’t see except the ss3 student in front of course, due to the fact that it was like a puny 32” TV, serving like 2,000 students. It was pointless going, and I heard they were punishing my mates somewhere so it was more like an escape, taking all this factors into consideration, I chilled in one dark class near my hostel, waiting for socials to finish so students could go to hostel, where the seniors would do all sorts of beating and shouting, then I’ll sneak in after all the bullshit. I waited and waited , went down to the farm, drank water from the tap, came back, they hadn’t still finished, so I decided to lay down and gaze at the stars, thinking of the day Ill leave all this bullshit. The ‘Lay-down’ turned to “zzzzzz” and the next thing; I woke up around 12am in the dark class, sighting no soul outside. I wasn’t so scared cos my hostel was just a stone-throw away. So I went to the hostel where almost every body had gone to bed, besides the SS2 and SS3 students that were still up cooking, punishing juniors, gisting amongst “Other things”. I went to my locker where I was arranging my stuffs and was about to soak Garri when one man entered the hostel, walked down to my room and said I was cooking. I was likefrabz-WHAT-THE-FUCK-12f2ab

I explained that I was about to soak garri, the man didn’t even show any sign of pity, he continued, telling me that I should bring out what I was cooking and I told him I wasn’t cooking anything, he therefore searched my locker and saw my cup of garri and water which I had left to swell so I could go to bed a happy man. He told me to stand outside while he went to round up other students that were “cooking” , I stood outside, and after rounding up some innocent and not so innocent people, he marched us to a military mans house. On our way, he saw another man which caught my mates stealing boiled eggs which we were to have alongside bread for breakfast. So we were marched all together to the military mans house. On getting there, we waited out in the cold for close to an hour before the man came out, he didn’t even chill to hear our stories, I guess he thought all of us had gone to steal egg, so he told them to march us to the main gate where they locked us in jail. We were like 5 students in the cell measuring roughly bigger than the mobile public toilets we have here in Nigeria. There was a toilet nearby that stunk like decayed shit, diffusing its odor into the cell and eating away our sanity minute by minute. All we could do was lament and lament, trying to explain to the guards, which weren’t even ready to listen to any crap; meanwhile the “Egg guys” just sat down and reasoned life. Even in the cell there was seniority, there were like 2 SS2 students, then 3 of us SS1 students. They demanded we squeeze ourselves in corners while they enjoyed the small sleeping space left. I ended up sleeping kinda like thisSleeping on the wall


Man the mosquitoes were beyond what I had ever experienced in my entire life, they could see in the dark perfectly, looking for every means to get their mouths down your skin, I slept “Roughly awake” throughout the night, while the mosquitoes buzzed around.

The next day was a Sunday, and the guys were all dressed in their white and whites, while we were being marched down to the galley where we were to collect our food and go back to the cell to eat. Some people had heard about the egg gist and were now looking at me like I stole egg too, to make things worse, the man that caught the ‘Egg boys’ worked in the galley and was shouting “Look at them, they are the ones”, pointing in a manner that highlighted all of us, I just squeezed face like a convict badass nigga and collected my food, ignoring every soul and went back to the cell.

Later in the day, the Guard officer came to hear our complaints half-heartedly, calling the man that caught us to hear his own story. The man insisted that we were cooking, but do you know the funny thing, I later found out that the aroma was coming from the other hostel not too far from my hostel, so it was either bad luck at its best or they were trying to follow me from my village. After going back and forth on our case, the fact that there was no evidence that we were even cooking was a major factor, therefore setting us free. Around 8pm, we were set free while the ‘Egg boys’ remained to face judgment because theirs was obvious. The “Egg boys” were almost expelled but eventually, it was brought down to suspension after numerous pleas from their parents/guardians. One of the ‘Egg boys’ is one of my G’s. Anyways on the plus side, I’m an Ex-convict, yunno how we badguys do ;).


If you enjoyed today’s post, you can kindly subscribe to the blog so you never miss out on any post. Please, I would be waiting for your mails, feel free to share your experience, and you can also follow me on twitter @Pietrosparks. Ciao

Secondary School Stories PT 5 (Encounter with God)

Hey guys, HAPPY NEW MONTH, how have y’all been. sorry I haven’t posted in a while, I’ve been on hiatus, besides I’ve been on vacation with Rihanna and Le Boo, did you see me and RiRi at the Barbados carnival, damn it was fun. Before that, I was in bible school for a week and I am proud to say I am a changed soul now, and in today’s post I am going to change your life and bring you closer to the father o:) . Anyways for y’all reading this for the first time. My name is Theophilus or Theo in short.  I am Mike Ross‘ brother aka Mr. Giving You All You Disayyyaaa. Think I’m lying? Ask them ;). Well I’m going to be starting a new series on this blog besides my random talk, just telling y’all to anticipate alright.


So this story dates back to when I was in SS3, that’s like a year ago and as the header tells, I was scared shitless due to the events which you’re about to read. VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED.

So It was the period after WAEC when my stupid school didn’t allow us to go for break before NECO, we begged and begged but to no avail, so we accepted our fate and died slowly in school. Due to the fact that there was no money, no girls, and that people were home and we were suffering in school, people started clearing their matters through fights, blood splattering on the walls of the hostel, food coolers started “flying” and other supernatural things, School had become a warzone.

I started going for prayer meeting and stuff, since I had the time obviously and I was trying to become a better person and pray for good result too. So I went that faithful Saturday evening for prayer meeting, there was singing, lots of prayers and stuff like that. After about 2 hours, we finished and were about to go to the hostel when the chapel president told all SS3 boys to wait. After waiting like 10 minutes, he told us to come to the back of our hostel where there was one big tree that had the kind of hole that took Alice to wonderland. Now the thing about trees in my school is that they were always given one superstitious gist or the other. The tree at the back of my hostel in Jss1 was said to be able to sing in the night, another able to walk, another be able to produce over ripened mangoes that kill and that it could possess you if you ate the mangoes, mostly called bullshit on all of them. So here we were, the guy was telling us to pray on the tree, that there were demons inside that were doing meeting and a war had begun. First of all it was around 10.30pm and there was little or no light around there and that alone made scared shitless. Other students were in their hostels and we were the only ones outside their hostels in school. Sha sha we started praying , and we were stopping at intervals to take prayer points when the lights in school went off. Gaddemn I was like

Scared Shitless

I started hearing sounds and stuff. I just died when they saw one white bird near the tree and they claimed that it was one of the demons and that they should kill it. In my mind I was like why kill the bird, did it transform in front of you? , cos I am not a “strong believer” to that extent and I believe it could have just had a broken leg or stuff like that. They sha killed the bird. We started praying again, when someone screamed that something touched him, the guy started crying saying that someone touched him, a supernatural being, and that he heard a voice call out or stuff like that,(cant remember much). At that point I wanted to cut the chain and leave, go to hostel and sleep. I couldn’t take the mental trauma, but I couldn’t go to hostel alone, I didn’t want anything “Touching me”, so I decided to stay. We started singing and praying in the night again. Now this thing seemed like a “Meeting” to me, when suddenly another person shouted “My Leggggggggg”, it was like “spiritual” arrow had hit him, and he went on “I wont stop praising my God, You people shall not succeed, I shall not fall, I shall not fall” , believe me, as I type this story, it still sends chills down my spine.

At this point, My heart was in my Ass, I couldn’t breathe, I was depending on the fact that we were holding hands and that gave me a sense of togetherness, and I was even damnnnnn more scared as fuckkkkkkk when we were not holding hands. Finally after about like 1 hour of firing prayers like it was MFM, they finally concluded that “As you are here today, as you have partook in this, if you ever leave the lord, *****” (I can’t remember) but it sounded like a threat to me. Another person just shouted “ he is speaking to me , he said if you leave me ********* “ but it was concerning giving your life to Christ, and another person said “as you go to your rooms today, clean up as the angel of the lord is going to be passing or else the wrath of the Lord will befall you”. “The Exorcism” of probably the tree or whatever was under it besides worms and organic matter finally came to an end, and we sang praises to the hostel where people had been hearing every single thing that had been going on outside, they too were scared to their balls. Eventually we cleaned up and we were so scared that we had to sleep side by side; some couldn’t sleep throughout the night, and let’s not forget that there wasn’t light. But trust boys, 3 days later, we were back to cooking in the hostel (we cook better than most girls), Jumping fence amongst other things ;). Sha I reduced my participation I such things and stuck to praying on my own and Sunday church service, yes, no extracurricular activities, I needed to stay sane abeg. Trust me the whole shit was far more intense than it looks like but I can’t explain it to depth. I’m so happy I’ve left that jungle.

Anyways till next time guys, anticipate my new series, follow @pietrosparks on twitter , read-Up , share the links with your friends, Facebook, BBM, BC, RT, anything at all. You can also subscribe so you never have to miss out on any posts. Thanks for the support, I remain Theo.

Secondary School Stories PT 3

Hey guys. Yeah yeah. “Why the fuck didnt you write yesterday” haha sorry,calm down. I came down with mad stomach ache yesterday. Apparently I think it was cos of my constant combos like Golden-morn & coke then Sprite & Nutri C then Amala after that. I swear I thought I was gonna die yesterday. Anyways I was prepared for the worst.
My name is Pietro but must of yall just call me Theo, both are my names anyways, feel free to call me any. If you missed my last post, fly Here .
By the way, thank you ohhhhhh. I think one of you must’ve talked to Nepa for me from my last post. As im writing. There is FUCKING LIGHTTTTTTTT *starts twerking*.


Apparently as you are reading, there is NO FUCKING LIGHT. Thank you all for the views once again. Last time it was 157, thank you all now its 252. And we getting to that 1000 overall reads.
By the way. One of my followers @freshiemagic & Friend asked me to post something for him. I said he should pay to be publicized jokingly, and he started telling me story of how his sister is going to be MBGN 2013 , that she would give me if she wins, and how he still has Abraham’s pubic hair hanging in his room. Anyways Im too kind to say No soo. Here it goes.. VOTE MISS ONDO FOR MBGN 2013… not that I care though,  Yall babes are gorgeous out there :* .Btw heres her picture


LMAOOOOOOOO. Some of y’all said I should expantiate on the toilet we had in “The condo” . Lol. If I explain. Itll be too gruesome for your imagination so its better I show u how it felt.


So unto todays post. Haha I don’t even know what to talk about cos everyday was an adventure in that school. Okay lemme bring up “The Hair Issue”.
Oh I forgot to mention. IT WAS A BOY’S ONLY SCHOOL (HEY I AM NOT A FAG IN ANY WAY.I LOVE GIRLSS SO MUCH ALTOUGH IM NOT A PERV). Even the other Navy in Lagos where they had girls, most of the girls looked like boys. Most boys were even finer than girls  I heard. So as I was saying, my school was only boys but not boys like Whitesands where its a MALE ONLY SCHOOL, including the teachers and co. In my defence, we still had some sexy teachers and corpers, even heard some bad guys used to get down with some of them.Even though my school was Boy’s only, people still wanted to have “Swag” by force by fire. Lmaooo. Some would say “why the fuck would someone be doing swag for his fellow boy” , if you were in the system, you would understand. Swag X Dressing was attached to respect in a way, although even if your senior didn’t have swag, ahe could still lie you down and plank you 72 with metal and nothing would happen. Yes you heard me right, Nothing would happen. The craze for dressing was so much, it was asif they were fashion designers themselves, some would save so much , it seemed they were anorexic so they could just sew something unique and somebody would just hail them. Anyways I hailed them too. Apparently the craze shifted from clothes to Hair, yes hair. People had become so engrossed in growing their hair , some even used to put grass in their hair cream hoping it would increase growth. You know the downside of this all?,  my school always wanted your head shining. Unlike other “Boti” schools where they’ll be like “Junior, the hair is full, just trim it down a little and have it shaped hun :)” ,they wanted it looking like a desert with little groundnut oil to top it off, and if you were unlucky, you could be told to sit on your head, yep almost upside down. I cant even imagine the pain cos It never happened to me (I sha barbed desert but I used hair cream instead of groundnut oil though). So yeah, we were niggas growing hair like mad men and there was the school, Yes the enemies of progress. Apparently , after constant warnings to go to the barber, the battleground was set for a war that would last for years and I’m sure its still on as we speak. They stopped using their mouths to speak and rather moved on to something better “The scissors”. So now we were like fugitives , missing food, skipping assembly, hiding inside bush and roof , all because of hair that we wanted to keep and hopefully carry it home, so some babes at home would feel you, due to the fact that it helped hide what we truly were at that time, Prisoners. LMAOOOO some people were unlucky though. The moment you just step into your house hoping youve dodged school,


Lmaoo, you know the funny part?, they’ll still come back to school and struggle to grow it like their life depended on it.

I forgot to say, the military personnel were very creative. I heard military men in general love having sex , so prolly some creativity came from there as some would shave your hair into what most times looked like G-string, Penis , V, Roundabout,  Pope cap, pope cap in reverse, Abstract art , center-G amongst others. With every story you heard about how they caught one guy and now he is on skin cut, the more your morale dropped. Lmaoooooo. Some people are crazy shaa, they would go to the barbers place on their own and barb desert to avoid trouble. In my mind I’ll be like “are these ones retarded or what, how could you just surrender?”. At one point (not just once though), I had the fullest hair in my set, I was hiding for my life!!,  anyways it was the “after- exams period” so I was rather invincible.
Lmaooooo. There was this guy that they caught, after they scraped his hair into all kinds of shapes and he scraped it down to desert, the guy no greeee ohh, he relaxed his skull and dyed it on top,  lmaooooooooo , I wanted to die, but you cant say anything before the person would chook blow inside your eye, so I just said “Bad guyyyyy, omo u no gree oh. Those people dem be bastards” then I went to my room and laughed so bad, I started crying. Haha, even one of my padi’s got nabbed, after “the skin process” his head was fucking fair, and this guy I’m talking of is dark mehn, meaning his head hadn’t known sunlight since God knows when. To show you how stupid that school is, days before graduation, they were still shaving people’s hair,some sha jumped fence to go and chill, haha some kain guys that they caught didn’t gree oh. After scraping their hair with scissors , they still said they were not cutting it, some of them would now put hair cream in the scraped part expecting it to grow fast and catch up. As pa boys na, gatts give them hope, we would be like ” omo the hair don dey grow ohh. Omo your hair dey grow fast diee”, apparently they still caught some of these people and added designs to their hair.
Sha there was a period of time, I don’t know what came over me,I went to the barber 3 times in a row and cut my hair SKIN, every time feeling fresh out of the oven and ending up regretting cos one would be like “omo this guy u no fine again ahh” then others would follow, all for the fact that they wanted to tap my head, when I mean tap , I mean Slap.wicked bastards. With that head sha, I could find a pin in the dark, I could detect electrons floating etc, it was like I had super-powers \(^_^)/ . Lord knows I’m not going back to that, I can consider it when I get damnnnnnnnn ass rich, I can then cut it Skin and employ a babe to be oiling it and rubbing it just the way I like (^_^) ;).
Anyways I have to stop here today. Thank you guys for the support. Follow @pietrosparks on twitter, Keep them RT’s coming, share them links. Read on and stay blessed. Once again the name is Pietro.

Secondary School Stories PT 2

Hey guys , I know , it’s me again. The name is Pietro and if you’ve not heard , I’m chuck norris’ biological son other than the fact, that I wake up under bugatti’s every morning and ride horses that can fly to school.
I dont even know how to thank y’all for reading yesterday’s post. 157 hits from yesterday alone.


Highest of all time in my carrer as a newbie . I can’t thank y’all enough for the support and The RT’s and shared links.

Well before I start off to the gruelling and exciting secondary school stories, you can read up yesterday’s post HERE .
Ehen . What I’m about to say doesnt concern today’s topic or mis-adventure in any way. One of my niggas told me he hadn’t shaved down there since when he was born. And you know how old he is now? .Haha lets just say 18. Wow 18 years without a shave, and he is hairy so I’m sure the forest started growing there probably right from 12 (benefit of doubt, I think it was before 12) .Nigga!!! 18 years without a shave. Guy gatts be looking like .


To wrap it up. YALL NEED JESUS.

Now to the main shiiiiii. (I’m sure you want to hear about how they flogged me so hard) .
Today’s story is from my SS1 period. Mehn this is when life was harddddddddddd, asiiin guy,we were the tractors of the school, the toilet women, the cleaners etc. All in one. But fuck, some humans are wicked beasts with hardened souls.
So it was the “after-exams” period where normally, prolly in BIS and co, where the grass is always greener, yall be rejoicing and organizing dance competitions, eating cookies, and making out with that babe youve been trying to set all term, altogether Fun stuff. MEANWHILEEEEEE, in Navy, this was a period set aside by wicked humans like  you to torment the souls of little children like me and cause body harm of all sorts ranging from strokes of 4×4 sticks to metals to Technical Drawing boards, to even HAMMER’S (I’ll gist you about this later) used to flog and decapitate the very little demons we still had left after 3 years. Well some people managed to run home , either by the fence or your parents had connections one way or the other.Niggas like us had nothing, Parents are civilians and my dad to be honest is a Disciplinarian so im sure he wouldn’t have even minded . And besides when I meant nothing I also meant, no provisions , no money etcetera etcetera. So now, the new plan by the prefects was to be moving people directly for labour immediately after breakfast , but the thing was that, we were forced to go to eat as well so it was practically unbeatable. So you know what happened?, Clever minds like mine came up with a plan to stay alive, cos it was the case of “Nearly dead or alive or caught and dead finally”. We built a fortress in the ceiling. When I mean ceiling, inside the roof and moved our belonging’s there. Fuck, we had matresses balanced so well in the roof, on the woods holding the ceiling itself,had all things needed to survive ranging from Mp3 player, Palito, phone,bucket, plate, and Garri (only God knows where it came from). But mehn, we were all feeling like scoffield at the same damn time!. We had the blueprint of this place totally on check. We even constructed a nice toilet. To top it all off. WE FUCKINGGG HAD A CONDOOOOO!!!!.
So there was a day when I think the prefects started suspecting our hide-out and came to check the roof.


Mehn fuck. We were running and entering dark cobweb infested areas. Running on 2×2 planks, we were fucking Usain Bolt and Houdini at the same time!!!!! . Although we weren’t caught , they started suspecting there. Lmaoooo. But the stress of climbing ontop chair to enter roof was already enough for them to forget in most cases, even if they entered, badman woukd still find route. Anyways in other cases. If I wasnt in my CONDO. I ws in MY OWN private condo aka My big locker. I was lucky to get one big locker (actually bullied to get it ^_^, but cant call it bullying in yhe jungle) . Mehn in the morning I’ll just enter and lie down and sleep off till after labour, now sneak out and eat.


Yes it was that big,But i wasn’t that big either. Mehnn that locker saved badman in many ways. Lets not forget I was on a “Garri only” Diet for close to 3 weeks.

Anyways, sorry guys,I have to stop here for today. PHCN hasnt given me light for the past 6 days and some people are having light 24/7. In short im gonna be a human rights activist in my next post. Why should I always be the one to suffer 😦 ?? I ain’t even got a cold drink in this house. If you guys can get me light tho. We can talk business ;). Haha anyways yall stay tuned , follow @Pietrosparks , read on , RT and share those links and Stay Blessed. THANKS!

My Secondary School Stories PT 1

Hey guys. I know I know. “Where the fuck have you been”, “OMG we’ve been missing you” ,” OMG hottie where have you been” all these thoughts are probably running through your minds now or even worse, probably “where has this fag been”. Yeah I owe y’all an apology. Mehn school has not been a tad easy and I’m a lazy human being I must confess. I’ve missed y’all though. Again I’m sorry. I’m back to my boring life so y’all expect more posts along the line as the lord touches his servant o:) .I’ll try to write up every day.
For y’all who are just reading for the first time or probably can’t remember me. The name’s Pietro but most people just call me Theo, yeah I know “such a lovely name”.

Sha for yall that don’t know. I’m the rider of 10,000 unicorns, The African Mike Ross , The only nigga that woke up under a New Bugatti and yeah I’m a Salvatore for y’all that dont know as well.
Lets flyyyyyy to todays post. I think you’ll need a handkerchief though.
Was pondering and pondering bout what to blog about, and the idea just hit me. “BITCH WHY NOT TALK ABOUT SECONDARY SCHOOL” . Yeah I adore my alter ego a lot.
For y’all that don’t know. I didn’t have it easy at alllllllllll. My school was a military school to begin with. While y’all were in a Rolls Royce Ghost cruising to BIS, LHBIS, Greensprings amongst others, what y’all can call “the Ivy-league secondary schools in Nigeria”, I was in one car mourning my way to Ogun State. Yeah I attended Nigerian Navy Secondary School, Abeokuta, Ogun State.
First of all, I don’t know how I offended my parents, or why I shouldn’t hunt down my uncle that suggested the school and went the extra mile to buy the form for me, and kill him. I can’t believe I turned down a couple of schools for this though, Anyways my thoughts were like “Nigggur its Navy, seals and co. Underwater exploration, Call of duty shits, etcetera” only to face the reality that it was totallllllllly off. I can’t even believe how I graduated and I’m still fresh.

We Vrooom’d into the compound with me feeling like “Fuck it, home sweet home, yall bitches suck my cock :’)” . It felt like


I jumped out of the car with my small stature and fair ass skin back then and went to the registration stand. Then a military personnel was like “Ahoy, Navy boy, Come here and pack this boys things to his hostel.” . Omo in my mind I was like “yeah bitchessssss.”


Little did I know that it was those Jss3 boys packing my bags that would kill me eventually.
After registering and all. I was given my house wear and uniform. The clothings were so big asiiiiiiin, they were ‘AGBADA’S’ . My dad now took the clothes, brought out the ‘All powerful indelible permanent’ marker and murdered my name on the clothes in a manner that said “I want to tell the world about you, so they can be jealous *Future’s voice*”, Lmaooooo, not knowing that there were people that would still steal your clothes even if you wore them to bed and would still go the extra mile of defying the laws of nature by completely erasing any name or sign you had on it, They would wear it beside you and you would never know, you be thinking #SomeWhereInThisHostel My name is still on the shirt. Anyways I beared my cross and went to the hostel, I was shown to my room of about 20 random people that didn’t know the kind of Gobe they had entered . As I just dropped my mattress on the bunk, a wave of sorrow just swept me over. I burst into tears prolly because it was my first time away from home, Sha my random roomates at that time came to do the normal “ah sorry ehn. Ndo” , doing like noooooo we were not in this together -_____- . Sha my bunkmate was Femi Lawal, one fiiiiiiine boy (No homo), We looked alike so we were taken as brothers. Too bad he had to leave a year later. I finally settled to arranging my stuff in one tiny locker that looked like loudspeaker.
The bell was rung by about 6:30 for food, Still fresh out tha runway; we were reluctant to go , but we were forced anyways.
I got to the galley (Dining hall) only to find out they were serving Éfor abi Èkor , the yoruba’s should know it, one stuff that looks like solidified pap.I passed it on people that were more than happy to eat it and I left the galley feeling like “Badman dont eat èfor , if badman aint getting noodles and stuff, badman aint eating. Where’s my fucking room service? ” . In weeks to come , we niggas could kill for èfor or anything that had to do with food.


We turned into creatures closer to dogs than humans :’).

Anyway guyssssss. I think we would have to continue tomorrw. Where I jump to where the beatings started :’) “The sweetest parts”. Dont forget to follow @Pietrosparks on twitter . And please dont forget to share, RT those links. Read on and stay blessed. Dont forget to drop your comments yeah.